When she wants it more than him

4 04 2013

marriagesex3

Desire — that delightful urge to do things that result in children — feels different to every one of us. For some it’s exhilarating. For others warm and relaxed. For some it’s the most important thing in the world, while others can take it or leave it.

And it’s not always the man who has the greater interest, despite anything you might have read in the magazines. Because libido varies hugely in both men and women. And throughout our lives.

Like a woman’s is generally low in her teens, gradually rising to a peak in her late 30s or early 40s. While his is at its highest in his late teens, and falls very slowly for the rest of his life. So hers can often be greater than his in her thirties and forties.

Which means you often hear young wives complaining that their men want way too much sex. While later on the roles often get reversed, so that by the time she’s forty she’s wanting more than him – and also likely to be at her most assertive and demanding!

Fortunately, that’s usually not a problem, especially as by then he’s probably also a far better lover. And so for many couples, it’s around then that sex is at it’s best. Especially as it’s probably no longer an end in itself, but part of other pleasures such as good food and conversation.

marriagesex2

But sometimes she still complains that he just doesn’t give her enough!

And that’s far more common than you might imagine! Because in a significant number of couples it’s the woman who’s ahead.

So what should you do, if you discover that your wife’s leaving you behind?

Well, first of all, fix any problems you might be having with stress, medication or work. And then if things don’t return to normal, ask yourself a few questions.

Like has your libido always been fairly low, all your life? If it has, then think about whether you grew up in a family or community where sex was something to be ashamed of. Do you feel guilty at feeling pleasure? Then you’re probably repressing yourself sexually.

Or perhaps you’re subconsciously enjoying the power involved in being the withholder. Either way, your libido will increase if you change your attitudes toward sex. And if that seems hard, see a counsellor.

It’s also worth experimenting with your partner to find out exactly what pushes your buttons. And to be willing to meet her half way. Because desire isn’t only about sex itself, but often includes all the emotions that underpin it, such as security, reassurance, affection and support.

So your partner might be wanting something you’re more than willing to give, if you were to define intimacy slightly differently.

And that’s worth doing, because intimacy is one of life’s greatest pleasures, and it would be a shame to deny it to yourself and your partner. So just do it — before someone else does. Because neglected women stray.

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4 04 2013
@KathyKendi

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